Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
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Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill