If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
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364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
There’s always that one guy
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.