Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
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” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion