My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
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How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Just a friendly reminder!
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
We’ve all been there…
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect