My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
You Might Also Like
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no