Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
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We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
The struggle is real
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament