I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
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ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner