Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
You Might Also Like
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
LMAO
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
my dog when i have a friend over
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.