My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
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*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…