My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
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[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.