sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
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Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆