[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
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Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
A game married people play.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
He died doing what he loved: being alive
HR said no more nunchucks.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.