Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
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There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.