Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
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I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.