I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
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5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Whoa… oh I see lol
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.