me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
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While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*