Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
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[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
I feel it
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.