buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
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HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop