I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
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Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I have never heard an armadillo before.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating