Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
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I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect