me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
You Might Also Like
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
That’s incredible! 👌
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*