i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
You Might Also Like
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?