fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
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I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Reporter: *ports again*
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why