[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
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Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”