Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
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Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Oh yeah that’s it
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.