I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
You Might Also Like
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
mood
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
So that’s what we looked like?
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.