[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
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[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.