[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
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Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Jogging
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.