No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
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Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.