My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
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If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
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Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook