“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
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Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Me buying fruit and veg
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.