Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
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7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy