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I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.