“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
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coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
When can I start eating bats again.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.