Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
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Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Lucky old June.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?