[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
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A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?