When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
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me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I don’t make the rules sorry
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT