You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
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Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?