Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
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Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]