[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
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“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
A wise man once said nothing.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.