Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
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At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
🤣dope
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
whenever i wake up before my alarm
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
me logging onto twitter
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression