Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
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I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.