It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
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Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.