I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
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If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Me buying fruit and veg
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles