When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
You Might Also Like
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Happy Friday
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Xylophonist Shredding It
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.