me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
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Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.