Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
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What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people