[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
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I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock