Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
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Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Taco Bell, Exit 22
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.