Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
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A lot of folks out there missing the point…
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak